Fortunately, on the morning of Kyle's actual birthday, I did have something to celebrate, thanks to the wise forethought of my daughter Jamie, who had insisted we start our road trip from Chicago to Portland that day. She sent me a message in advance of the trip outlining the intentions she wanted us to set for the journey:
- to be honest and authentic, naming our feelings when they needed attention;
- to connect to a higher power through nature;
- to stay present, practicing mindfulness and gratitude;
- to stay open to new experiences, including unexpected changes in plans;
- to practice self-care and body-love (hydration, nourishment, stretches);
- to lead with loving-kindness in all our interactions with ourselves, one another and everyone we encounter along the way;
- to honor Kyle every day.
With all that said, I know we both feel a painful conflict between our relentless grief and our efforts to be joyful, present and grateful. So one of the best parts of this trip, starting as it did on such a heart-breaking day, is how much our dissonance eases when we're with each other -- because no matter how much we are laughing, singing, dancing, and celebrating, we both know without having to say it out loud that we are simultaneously feeling deep grief. Having our painfully discordant feelings silently recognized and reflected in one another is a comfort.
More specifically, yesterday was a long day of driving through flat midwestern plains -- the longest drive we'll have for the week. But paying attention to all Jamie's careful intentions made the day a pleasure anyway. Jamie packed us a cooler full of delicious fresh food, which we fed one another by hand in the car. Our stop for yoga overlooking a beautiful vista kept us feeling stretched and refreshed despite the super cramped car. The sun stayed out until almost 10 p. m. (how is this possible?)-- so I didn't ever have to drive in the dark, even after 12 hours on the road. And then, even though we arrived at South Dakota's only gay bar an hour after most customers had left, we decided to honor Kyle by dancing as he did: fearlessly and for maximum fun. Jamie danced with his spirit, and we missed him like crazy, just like we do every day. Happy Birthday, son.
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